Decisions

So...it's been some time and man have so many things changed. So I am no longer living the dream of California, no more nanny, I was forced to move home by the people who created me. Just so I can pay bills and be miserable. The injustice of the whole citation is insane. I started talking to the man I always wanted, but it seems he either no longer has for me the way he has before, and has found a new mate. Or he really is just busy working and can not make time for me. Now I do understand he has just received his freedom again and does not want to go straight into another relation, but you would think if he really wanted you the way he says, he wouldn't care and he just want to be with you. But nope of coarse that's my luck. God the injustice of it all is so mind blowing. Now yes there are a few good things to come from the forcing of leaving my dreams to the wind. I have a better paying job now that my father has gotten me, because he knows the rooms guy. And yes I do not have to pay this outrageous rent or food. But how I loved my freedom and not having to answer to anyone but me, to do and go where I pleased. Well let's not say that I didn't think of this guy in all this, it made me leaving easier. but now I have nothing from him for it and I am once again pissed at the whole thing. Yes he did say to not do it for him, but does he really not know who I am. I am impatient and go with my feelings and wants not whats actually rational. I mean come on who really does that anymore at my age with no attachments. Well maybe some, but not this one, I don't know why I feel so passionate for him. I do not like it, I do not like the power some MAN has over me and the way he makes me act. So out of my norm, I hear that's called love but I do not quite like that feeling and it drives me crazy. He does what he wants and no concern for how I feel because obviously he does not love me the way I do for him, and that hurts. God this sounds so pathetic, really is that what I have become some love sick puppy, who does whatever for him to make him happy and think about him all the time. To get non of that in return and be those people I'd make fun of, God I hate it. So yes I have also become someone who rambles, do you see how this whole thing has made me, it has made me ridiculous. I pray it will end soon, becuase I can not stand being this person.