Decisions

So...it's been some time and man have so many things changed. So I am no longer living the dream of California, no more nanny, I was forced to move home by the people who created me. Just so I can pay bills and be miserable. The injustice of the whole citation is insane. I started talking to the man I always wanted, but it seems he either no longer has for me the way he has before, and has found a new mate. Or he really is just busy working and can not make time for me. Now I do understand he has just received his freedom again and does not want to go straight into another relation, but you would think if he really wanted you the way he says, he wouldn't care and he just want to be with you. But nope of coarse that's my luck. God the injustice of it all is so mind blowing. Now yes there are a few good things to come from the forcing of leaving my dreams to the wind. I have a better paying job now that my father has gotten me, because he knows the rooms guy. And yes I do not have to pay this outrageous rent or food. But how I loved my freedom and not having to answer to anyone but me, to do and go where I pleased. Well let's not say that I didn't think of this guy in all this, it made me leaving easier. but now I have nothing from him for it and I am once again pissed at the whole thing. Yes he did say to not do it for him, but does he really not know who I am. I am impatient and go with my feelings and wants not whats actually rational. I mean come on who really does that anymore at my age with no attachments. Well maybe some, but not this one, I don't know why I feel so passionate for him. I do not like it, I do not like the power some MAN has over me and the way he makes me act. So out of my norm, I hear that's called love but I do not quite like that feeling and it drives me crazy. He does what he wants and no concern for how I feel because obviously he does not love me the way I do for him, and that hurts. God this sounds so pathetic, really is that what I have become some love sick puppy, who does whatever for him to make him happy and think about him all the time. To get non of that in return and be those people I'd make fun of, God I hate it. So yes I have also become someone who rambles, do you see how this whole thing has made me, it has made me ridiculous. I pray it will end soon, becuase I can not stand being this person.

Change...

We say we want change and that we hate doing the same thing over and over, on a regular bases. But we never seem to do anything about it. We just keep doing it, we dream of a different life, but were so set in what were doing now, I don't think we would even know where to start. I wanted change, so I moved for change and I got a drastic amount of change. Yet life likes to throw little things at me that are the same. They don't seem to stop no matter what, it just keeps getting thrown at me. Just when I think I am over these things and have moved on, here they coming flying at me and fast. I never seem to duck out the way either, I just put myself right in front and get hit. Boom! In the face, like a slap. You would think we have learned, and we think we do, except for when it comes back and we seem to get trapped in it again. I have one just like this, and by now I am calling it a "demon", because it takes control over me and I don't know how to stop it. It drives me crazy, to think something like this has so much control over me and I am so helpless. It's very frustrating. I call it a magnet, because it draws me to it and it takes such great force to pull me away from it. Maybe it followed me because honestly I never delt with it, I ran away from it, they say you can never run away from your problems. I see they may be on to something after all, huh, go figure. So now I guess I have nothing else to do, but to deal with it, and I don't wanna. It's a hard subject for me, it takes up a lot of energy and it's a very emotional subject for me. What to do, do I stay and deal, or do I run as fast I can and take the chance of it following after me? Damn, I need to deal with it, cause I don't like to be followed. Maybe in order for me to change things I need to deal with the old things first and then the new ones will come. So maybe the reason we don't have change is because we still have issues we have to deal with and we don't realize it. Maybe even until it's to late. But I want, no I need change, I can't take repetition unless it's something I love. So far I haven't found anything to repeat that I love. So I am going to deal, and then hopefully change will come to me, and I mean a good change.

Time....

They say it takes time for all wound's of every sort to heal. As much as it may be true, they never tell you that the time it takes sucks. That it's strength and perseverance, family, friends, and believing in ones self, that gets you through those rough times. Being here basically alone at least mentally, is tough and it takes some getting used to. It makes me think, is this really what I wanted after all. What am I really doing here? I had this idea, this thought in my head, but now I can't even seem to remember what it was. I know there is a lot I want to do and accomplish, but can I do it a lone? I know that if I put my mind to it and really set out to accomplish something then it will happen. That's my problem though, I have no idea what it is I want to set out to do. California has so many opportunities to do just about anything here, and for the life of me I can't seem to think of one idea that I really want to do. I've had ideas when I was younger, but now they seem so hard, especially with my lack of self-esteem. These thoughts and doubt's in my head are really making it hard for me to be out here and accomplish anything. I wanna go out and do things, but because I am not a beach bunny, I get self conscious, I start to back down and then put it into my head that I can't do it. That if I go out for it or try I'll just get laughed at and won't get it anyways. How lame and pathetic is that, a head of a women so scary in there. HaHaHa. So I drown myself in movies, to rest my head and all these annoying thoughts. Like that movie world would ever really happen in this real life world. So it either makes me feel better or worse and today after the laughs and moment's, it's seem to some how make me feel worse. So I say do I stay feeling sorry for myself or do I go out into this world and make something happen, make a name for myself? Well I'll let you know, right now the future seems bright, but we wont know for sure yet, since I seem to be so fickle. But hey who isn't, we all want things to go our way and be happy. Yet along the road there's obstacles and challenges we have to face, so maybe this one is mine.

Life

Why is it that life is never what you expect of it? You try so hard to do the things you want and accomplish almost non of it. For the most, people get close to what they want, but it is rare that we ever get everything we desire.
I try, but I never try hard enough, I know that's my problem. I want so much, but I seem to not want to put any effort into getting what it is that I want. And to tell you the truth I don't really know what that is.
I have idea's and thoughts, but it is rare that I actually have a concrete desire. So far the only one thing that I really wanted was to move out to sunny California and I did that. Yet now that I am here what is it I really want to do here. I've been here almost three months and I don't really have any good idea's on what to do next.
Should I lose about forty pounds, well that's a definite yes, but do I want to put the effort into it,no. Do I need a really good job that makes a lot of money and makes me happy? Of course who doesn't, but with our times it is so freaking tough. I honest to God have no stinking idea on what I should do next.
Can I read these silly magazines about the actors life and what were doing wrong in our relationships and in the bedroom, sure. But I don't want to. Why would I want to read into someone elses life, to feel better about myself or feel worse for not having what they have. Honestly I don't give two left shits about that stuff. I mean come on if we really need to read about that then we know we need to spice up our lives and stop waisting money and making other people richer. If my personal life and relations need work then the other person I'm with needs to be man enough to talk about it with me, because I know I would. And if our sex life bores me then hey, I am telling them I wanna spice it up and do more things. I damn sure don't need to spend money for someone to tell me my life is lame. But people still do it, I think it's because we all need that reassurance, to have someone tell us even though we already know and feel it. Hey, that's only being human, I guess.

Another Tuesday...

Why is it that the world now a day's makes it seem that we need to do everything by the "World's" book and not our own? Is it because they are afraid that they wont be able to control us, or is that our parents? And even when we think we do things that are crazy and not by the book, we still are. We are doing things by the, "we think were different book", created by the world we live in still. So are we really different or are we just doing what society expects of us to keep this world going? If you wanna be different and stick it to the man then don't do anything, just live happy. Because now a day's who is really truly happy,are you? Because I know I'm not completely happy, but I try to do things to make me happy. And in the end that's sticking it to the man, because we all know as happy as they may seem their never really that happy. Especially since they have so many more rules to live by then any of us really do. I mean, who likes to follow the rules, I know I don't.