Time....

They say it takes time for all wound's of every sort to heal. As much as it may be true, they never tell you that the time it takes sucks. That it's strength and perseverance, family, friends, and believing in ones self, that gets you through those rough times. Being here basically alone at least mentally, is tough and it takes some getting used to. It makes me think, is this really what I wanted after all. What am I really doing here? I had this idea, this thought in my head, but now I can't even seem to remember what it was. I know there is a lot I want to do and accomplish, but can I do it a lone? I know that if I put my mind to it and really set out to accomplish something then it will happen. That's my problem though, I have no idea what it is I want to set out to do. California has so many opportunities to do just about anything here, and for the life of me I can't seem to think of one idea that I really want to do. I've had ideas when I was younger, but now they seem so hard, especially with my lack of self-esteem. These thoughts and doubt's in my head are really making it hard for me to be out here and accomplish anything. I wanna go out and do things, but because I am not a beach bunny, I get self conscious, I start to back down and then put it into my head that I can't do it. That if I go out for it or try I'll just get laughed at and won't get it anyways. How lame and pathetic is that, a head of a women so scary in there. HaHaHa. So I drown myself in movies, to rest my head and all these annoying thoughts. Like that movie world would ever really happen in this real life world. So it either makes me feel better or worse and today after the laughs and moment's, it's seem to some how make me feel worse. So I say do I stay feeling sorry for myself or do I go out into this world and make something happen, make a name for myself? Well I'll let you know, right now the future seems bright, but we wont know for sure yet, since I seem to be so fickle. But hey who isn't, we all want things to go our way and be happy. Yet along the road there's obstacles and challenges we have to face, so maybe this one is mine.

Life

Why is it that life is never what you expect of it? You try so hard to do the things you want and accomplish almost non of it. For the most, people get close to what they want, but it is rare that we ever get everything we desire.
I try, but I never try hard enough, I know that's my problem. I want so much, but I seem to not want to put any effort into getting what it is that I want. And to tell you the truth I don't really know what that is.
I have idea's and thoughts, but it is rare that I actually have a concrete desire. So far the only one thing that I really wanted was to move out to sunny California and I did that. Yet now that I am here what is it I really want to do here. I've been here almost three months and I don't really have any good idea's on what to do next.
Should I lose about forty pounds, well that's a definite yes, but do I want to put the effort into it,no. Do I need a really good job that makes a lot of money and makes me happy? Of course who doesn't, but with our times it is so freaking tough. I honest to God have no stinking idea on what I should do next.
Can I read these silly magazines about the actors life and what were doing wrong in our relationships and in the bedroom, sure. But I don't want to. Why would I want to read into someone elses life, to feel better about myself or feel worse for not having what they have. Honestly I don't give two left shits about that stuff. I mean come on if we really need to read about that then we know we need to spice up our lives and stop waisting money and making other people richer. If my personal life and relations need work then the other person I'm with needs to be man enough to talk about it with me, because I know I would. And if our sex life bores me then hey, I am telling them I wanna spice it up and do more things. I damn sure don't need to spend money for someone to tell me my life is lame. But people still do it, I think it's because we all need that reassurance, to have someone tell us even though we already know and feel it. Hey, that's only being human, I guess.

Another Tuesday...

Why is it that the world now a day's makes it seem that we need to do everything by the "World's" book and not our own? Is it because they are afraid that they wont be able to control us, or is that our parents? And even when we think we do things that are crazy and not by the book, we still are. We are doing things by the, "we think were different book", created by the world we live in still. So are we really different or are we just doing what society expects of us to keep this world going? If you wanna be different and stick it to the man then don't do anything, just live happy. Because now a day's who is really truly happy,are you? Because I know I'm not completely happy, but I try to do things to make me happy. And in the end that's sticking it to the man, because we all know as happy as they may seem their never really that happy. Especially since they have so many more rules to live by then any of us really do. I mean, who likes to follow the rules, I know I don't.